As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my "lost" youth. You see, I didn't accept Jesus Christ as my saviour until I was almost 30 years old and by that time my life was pretty much a disaster. I was the birth mother of two sons, one I had given up for adoption and the other I was raising (although not very well). I was married for the second time and on the verge of my second divorce. Yes, my life was a disaster.

Before I accepted the "truth", I could be in a crowded room and still be lonely. I searched in all the wrong places to fill the loneliness and emptiness that had overwhelmed me all of my life. As a result, I made very many bad choices that not only affected my life, but the lives of people who are very dear to me, my family - especially my children.

I am very fortunate to be a part of a Christian family, who knows the meaning of the word "forgiveness". He gave me Godly grandparents and if it were not for their patience, tears, love, sacrifices and most of all prayers, I may not be who I am today.

I know that from the time I was very young these very special people were concerned for not only my physical life, but for my soul as well. I will never forget when I was about 18 years old, my grandmother and I were sitting on the front porch enjoying a warm, spring day. I turned to speak to her and tears were streaming down her face and I asked her what was wrong. Her reply really shook me up. She said, " It just breaks my heart to think that you will not be with me and Pappaw in heaven." She said nothing else, and got up, turned away with tears still streaming down her face. That day a seed was planted. I didn't see it then, but now I do, my grandmother loved me so much that she wanted to spend eternity with me. That is love.

For many years after that, I still chose to walk the path of darkness. During this time, I was very unhappy. I tried to fill the misery and emptiness in my life with drugs, alcohol and sex. I tried to cover my deeds with lies and deceit. I finally hit rock bottom when I was 29. I was financially defeated, losing everyone that I loved, and going through my second divorce. In my desperation, I finally started to look for the light, and I found it. The light I found was Jesus.

"Again therefore Jesus spoke to them saying. "I am the light of the world; he who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."
John 8:12

My walk in darkness ended, but now the fight to live and learn the truth was on. For a time it looked as if Christ was going to lose the fight and Satan would win the war. I was attacked through my low self esteem, my desires for worldly treasures, and through the flesh. During this time I nearly lost my family. I thought my mother was so angry with me that she had disowned me and I was misled to believe that she had turned my beloved son, John against me. I felt at this time that the only person who really loved me was my grandmother. This was a most difficult time for me. Many, many times my heart would ache to be with my mother, my sons and my brother. And many times, I felt He had forsaken me. I didn't realize then as 'one of his children', He would never forsake me.

for He, Himself said, "I will never desert you, nor will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

He was still working in my life. During this time, I married my third husband and we moved into a neighborhood that had many wonderful Christian people, and there I made a special friend. Through her, I learned so much. She and her husband encouraged us to go to church again. The church we attended was truly filled with His spirit. His presence could be felt when you walked in the door.

I knew in my head that He had forgiven me, but I was constantly attacked by the memories of all that I had done. Let me tell you, as far as sin goes - I probably committed them all at least once, and I felt very unworthy of His love and forgiveness. It was not until this was put into my heart could I truly understand I was forgiven, could forgive myself and forgive others.

"even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all those who believe there is no distinction; for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God."
Romans 3:22-23

He does answer prayers. I have experienced it. You see, my family and I were reunited, although this was not to last.

My third marriage was abusive and I did divorce, leave the neighborhood and church I had come to love so much, but His wisdom and love are far greater than mine, because another prayer was answered. He sent to me, the most wonderful, Christian man to love me and for me to love. Even with the serious problems we face, our marriage and love grow stronger each day.

To be a child of God and to walk in the light is awesome. I have the assurance of eternal life and victory. I pray that all of you who are not saved will come to know Him as I have. His grace is infinite. Remember:

"Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knock it shall be opened."

Matthew 7:7-8

Susan __________Back to Testimonies Menu